


Mystery Meat

by Lostinfantasies38



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crude Humor, Explicit Language, Food Poisoning, Gen, Humor, Nudity, One Shot, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 12:49:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20995070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostinfantasies38/pseuds/Lostinfantasies38
Summary: Food poisoning in a cave, trapped by bad weather.  Hilarity ensues.





	Mystery Meat

**Author's Note:**

> This was my husband's idea. I just ran with it. Humor is not my strong suit - witty one liners, yes - but not an entire drabble. Let me know how you think it turned out.

The weather was always dismal on the Storm Coast. A gray sky full of precipitation – drizzle, mist, shower, downpour – there were many adjectives to describe water that fell to earth. Today it could be described as torrential. The conditions forced them to take shelter in a high cave, since two of their main campsites had been temporarily abandoned. The Small Cove was underwater and the Driftwood camp was currently a swamp, leaving a graveyard of boots cemented in the foul-smelling muck by scouts who sacrificed their footwear for dry land.

Riah blew out a frustrated breath. They’d been pinned down by the rain for a couple of days now and she knew her team was just as ready to go home as she was. But even when the sky cleared, they still had a job to do first. Cullen had received reports that darkspawn had been sighted on the Coast, so she’d rounded up her best people to clean house. They would have been done and halfway back to the warmth of the castle, if not for this Maker-damned deluge! 

Glancing around at her companions she could see the closed quarters were grating on everyone’s nerves. Cassandra was angrily polishing her shield and grumbling about her most recent spat with Varric. For his part, the dwarf was pointedly ignoring the Seeker, fiddling with Bianca’s mechanism to make sure she wouldn’t jam with all the moisture. Bull was tapping his fingers frustratedly against his knee and staring at the ceiling. The tension was almost thicker than the blanket of oppressive humidity that filled their refuge.

It was impossible to tell how much time had passed since the sky never changed color, but if her stomach rumbling was any indication, it must be dinner time. Pulling some rations out of her pack, Riah closed her eyes and mindlessly chewed the tough jerky. There was a smoky aftertaste on her tongue with each bite, but it wasn’t unpleasant; she wondered idly what type of meat it was. It wasn’t druffalo or nug – maybe tusket or halla? She shrugged and kept eating. There was nothing else to do anyway.

Watching her eat reminded her team that they were hungry, too. Soon everyone was making a meal of their dehydrated protein source. Varric even produced a secret stash of fried mushrooms and shared them to break up the monotony of eating jerky for the sixth time in two days. Riah hummed appreciatively as she savored the treat – crunchy batter perfectly flash fried to preserve the juicy fungi inside. After so many days of the same food, it was a flavor explosion in her mouth. Even Cassandra was enjoying herself now and tossed Varric a quick smile in thanks. 

“Damn,” sighed Bull, “those are good, Varric! Mmmmm, now I’m stuffed.” 

The dwarf smiled and rubbed his stomach. “Me, too. I’m glad I still had some.” They leaned against the stone walls in contented silence for some time. Riah could feel her eyes getting heavy and decided to take a nap. Snagging her blanket from her bedroll she wrapped it around herself and snuggled into a little nook for a short snooze. 

Varric watched the Inquisitor cocoon herself and quickly fall asleep. He could see that the others were also nodding off, so he burrowed into his duster and leaned his head against the cool stone. Within moments all four of them were dozing after their meal.

A sharp pain startled Riah out of her sleep. Disoriented from her rude awakening, her eyes darted around the cave for sounds of an ambush and tried to get her foggy brain to make logical connections. Pain – check for injury. The mage examined her torso for any signs of trauma, but she did not see any cuts, wounds, or insect bites that could have explained the sudden abdominal pain that woke her from a blissful fantasy of a naked romp with a certain ex-Templar. Strange indeed. She was about to dismiss it when the stabbing returned, causing her to double over painfully. 

Oh, shit! She could feel her bowels rumbling angrily now. Tight, sharp, slick – all at the same time. Her body broke out in a cold sweat as the sensation slowly built and Riah knew she was going to be sick…but she didn’t know which end it would emerge from and she was afraid to move. She bit her lip and glanced at her sleeping companions. Somehow, she needed to get past them to the mouth of the cave and be sick away from them. A raging blush radiated across her skin at the idea of them seeing her in such a state. 

Riah slipped out of her warm blanket and sucked in a surprised gasp as the cold air hit her chilled skin. Goosebumps erupted on her arms and legs, but she kept herself hunched over and tried to tiptoe past – praying that the gross gurgling noises her stomach was making in the silence would not wake them. She could feel everything loosening up as she hobbled to the front and she clenched her ass tight to keep everything locked away. Almost there…she could see the entrance, but she also knew she wasn’t going to make it. Ducking into a dark corner with a pained whimper, Riah dropped her pants and squatted just as liquid fire exploded out of her. 

Mortified by the sounds her body was making in the resonant chamber, but also incredibly relieved as the pressure abated in her gut somewhat, Riah prayed that no one would wake up –

“Boss? Boss, where’d ya go?”

Clamping down on her bowels and shoving a fist in her mouth, Riah swore magnificently in her head as Bull searched for her. She could feel the fire building and demanding to be released, but she fiercely clenched to keep everything at bay. Although, now the nausea was working upwards, too. It was obvious the Maker well and truly hated her; at the very least, her body hated her in this moment. Either up or down, it was determined to see her humiliated.

Riah could hear Bull panting hard and shuffling drunkenly towards her. She shrank deeper in the shadows and heard him murmuring as he barreled to the entrance. “Man, I don’t feel so good.” With large, horrified eyes the woman saw the Qunari lean heavily on his arm at the mouth of the cave and breathe deeply. Almost instantaneously, he leaned out in the rain and began to violently vomit down the side of the mountain. 

Watching him lose his lunch almost caused her to do the same. Riah shut her eyes, but the sounds he made reminded her of her own predicament and the effort to contain things was becoming too much for her exhausted body. Groaning in embarrassment the mage relaxed her muscles and tried to time her liquid eruptions with his to hide the sound.

Cassandra flew by, a hand pressed to her ashen face, and joined Bull by emptying her stomach of its contents. Andraste’s ass! This was a disaster! She couldn’t even void her own bowels in peace! Bull pulled his head back in from the rain and gazed into the gloomy cave. There was just enough light streaming in that he noticed the difference in the depth of the shadows. He squinted his one eye at the spot and finally made out the figure of the Inquisitor, squatting with liquid shit cascading out of her.

“Hey, Boss,” he muttered. Riah hung her head in shame at being discovered, but it seemed like they were all in the same boat, except Varric…nevermind, she could hear him gagging and swearing in between upheavals off to her right. Yep, definitely in the same boat. Might as well just get it over with and purge her body of whatever made them all ill so she could crawl back under her blanket and sleep for a thousand years.

Bull turned back to the entrance and stepped around the corner. She could hear him unfasten his buckle…she covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut to ignore the fact that Bull was also erupting with liquid fire. She hummed a naughty sea shanty that Blackwall had taught her to distract her – she’d much rather have an image of pirate wenches with exaggerated tits than the image of her eye-patch wearing warrior doing…THAT.

Since everyone seemed to be so preoccupied, Riah tried to expel all that she could as quickly as possible. Her legs were quaking beneath her and she needed relief. Pushing her embarrassment aside she grunted and groaned along with the others until she felt empty enough to attempt to stand. Ugh, there was nothing to clean herself with…unless she walked naked in the rain. She was a mage and capable of starting a damn good fire in the main cavern afterwards to dry off.

Fuck it, she sighed. Might as well let everyone see her naked on top of everything else, especially if it meant that she could at least get washed off. Sidestepping her own mess Riah began unbuckling her armor. The frigid air off the ocean railed against her, causing her pink nipples to harden and fresh goosebumps to dance across her flesh. Taking a deep breath to bolster her courage, she dashed outside the cave and into the freezing water.

Riah squealed at the wash of ice-cold rain which, of course, caught everyone’s attention. Varric’s mouth hit the Deep Roads and Cassandra’s made a perfect “O.” Bull laughed madly and slapped his knee at the sight. With a wicked grin he stepped out of his own pants and followed her lead. Cassandra clung to the rock, moving from surprise to utter shock by the suddenness of Bull’s nudity. Varric chuckled weakly and mumbled to the Seeker, “Now…that is impressive. I doubt anyone can compete with that.” Cassandra couldn’t even reply – she’d been rendered mute.

Now that she was sufficiently drenched and more than a little invigorated by the cold and her naked fellow, Riah turned to head back inside, but screamed as Bull scooped her up and carried her instead. Even though her abdominal muscles were sore from the food poisoning, Riah could not restrain the laugh that bubbled out of her. Bull had carried her before – as a joke or if she’d been injured, but they had always been clothed. Hmmmm…something to think about later, she mused. Right now, she wanted to get a blazing fire going in the cave so she, Bull, and Cassandra could dry off.

Bull carefully set her down since she was slippery as an eel and he didn’t want her to fall on the wet stone floor. Riah smiled her thanks and patted his chest before wrapping herself in her blanket. With careful concentration, she let warmth build in her hand until she cupped a perfect ball of fire that she placed in the center of dead campfire. They had no dry wood left, but she had a pretty deep mana pool and she could sustain a fire long enough for everyone to dry off. A quick flick of her wrist and the fire expanded, radiating heat towards the weary, wet travelers.

Varric coughed and looked pointedly at Bull before jerking his head toward Cassandra. The poor Seeker was trying to look somewhere, _anywhere_, other than Bull’s…goods. The Qunari shrugged and wandered over to his pack to dig up some pants. Cassandra squeaked when the horned hulk bent over and Varric slapped a hand over his face with a shake of his head. Riah snorted in realization that Bull was toying with Cassandra in order to keep her off-balance. 

Riah also rummaged for dry clothes and slipped on a pair of pants, but in order to put on a top she would have to drop the blanket. Once the covering pooled around her feet, she heard a strangled intake of breath and from the corner of her eye, she noticed Varric’s face turn as crimson as his tunic. Huh…well, at the very least, today was becoming very educational.

Bull rejoined them around the fire and they sat silently once more. No one spoke, but that was probably from the exhaustion that was finally catching up with all of them. Nothing like a round of food poisoning to completely drain a person of the ability to do anything. The mage dragged her bedroll closer to the flames and retreated into the depths of her blanket. The others followed suit and soon the four of them were sound asleep.

The next day dawned and the Maker-damned storm had finally passed. Without even needing orders to pack up and move out, the group quickly rolled up their sleeping bags and Riah winked out the fire. They left their jerky and mushrooms for the deepstalkers, though.

“_This_ is why I don’t like caves, Inquisitor,” Varric grumbled as they stepped out in the fresh air. Riah was inclined to agree. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I ran with it. Now, will someone take these scissors away from me before someone gets hurt?


End file.
